where we are

i haven't a clue on how to share what we have been experiencing this week. but i think i should.

a couple of days ago, i spoke on the phone to B's foster sister's adoption momma. they are in process to adopt two children. she shared on her blog and also on the phone with me, about all the hard stuff she is hearing about adoption lately. it is daunting. of course, she expects tough, but it is really hard facing the unknown.

last year at this time, i was feeling similar things. my mind played out all sorts of scenarios, but mostly i prayed that whatever our new lives would look like, that God would be with us. the only way for us to get through the process is to place everything in His mighty hands.

 i expected hard stuff...

just not this kind of hard stuff. it has been HARD.

we spoke of if we should blog or share the bad. some adoption blogs get strangely quiet after re-entry(coming home after adopting the child) and all that gets posted are happy photos of vacations, holidays, birthdays, and first day of school pictures.

i am not saying that it is a bad thing, but these families must be having growing pains. we are talking about placing institutionalized children into homes of "wealth." institutional behaviors are distinctly different than children in established families behaviors. integrating these children is not something you can be completely prepared for until you do it.

so are these writers afraid to share? not willing to be the downer? unable to speak it? protecting their child's personal story? trying not to scare off yet to adopt families? concerned about others deeming it appropriate? simply too busy?

i have caught flack about some of my posts. i have offended some people too. i remind them that my blog is my faith book/online diary. it is not just an online scrapbook. others choose the style which suits them. this is mine.

still, i have been fearful of sharing some things. do people think that what i have shared is the whole story? trust me, i promise you, this...i do sugar coat.

i have gotten criticism for sharing certain information. i am told that their story belongs to them and that i have no business splashing their business about. BUT, isn't it my story too?

so bloggy friends and family who like to feel connected to us through my blog updates. i apologize. i do not know how to blog without saying the hard stuff. i feel like a hypocrite posting happy pictures.

i wrote this blog entry several months ago. yes, this one. i never made it public. it sat in my draft box. i only needed to get the feelings out. i didn't NEED to share my crazy life with everyone else i told myself. 

but, here i sit months later, feeling totally unplugged from all my support systems. my support group which i purposely established last year before the kids came home, has fizzled. perhaps the other members are just as much in the weeds as i am. perhaps they are fine and don't realize i am drowning most days. how could they know? we don't meet anymore. i am not blogging my reality. i put on a happy smile hoping people will not ask how things are going. 

they don't really want to know, right? when people ask, it is them being polite?

imagine the looks on their faces if i said, "glad you asked! i spend most of my days trying to piece together a medical history for two children who apparently had no existence before coming to America, my bio-kids are traumatized from the adoption, my marriage is strained, and i spend 10-15 hours in medical and therapeutic appointments every week. so, enough about me, how are you? 

what would they say if they saw this??



what is this? my calendar of course. over 27 appointments in october. we have 6 standing therapy appointments every week and then add in two or three medical appointments and it makes for a crazy week. this week we have only nine. i had to cancel two. more than ten is my limit.

don't even get me started about home schooling. home schooling will have to wait. we do some school on the road, some in waiting rooms, and sprinkle our off days with math lessons. but, honestly? this year we are trying to survive. i am raising saints-not scholars(at least i am telling myself that). if they get to 18 and can read and compute math, we will call it a success.

i didn't want to share originally because i am not complaining, but some will see it as just that. i am afraid others will say, "well, what did you expect? you adopted two older special needs children. others have it worse."

i agree some do. some of these "even worse" people are my close friends. does it negate what we are experiencing?

we had a hard trip to China. i blogged some of it, but not all. when people heard our story, they replied, "oh. i have no reason to complain, your trip was worse." it doesn't mean that the easier didn't impact or stress them. we all should have our experiences honored and respected.

look people! this isn't a contest of how hard our lives are. stop making it that. as a community we should be able to honestly share and not be afraid others will feel diminished or lash out with negativity.

i cannot promise i will be back to blogging consistently. i cannot promise i won't hide behind happy photo posts. all i am requesting is that people accept that adoption is difficult. adoptive parents weren't signing up for easy. many of us were called by God to this mission. did the apostles have it easy? no they were stoned, crucified, imprisoned, beaten...all to spread the gospel.

adoptive parents are living the gospel out loud even if we are not aware of it. we are called to take care of widows and orphans. we are called to die to ourselves, so that others may live. adoption is about redemption. it is about loss. it is about loving in a whole different way.

one last thought. i was sitting at Thanksgiving dinner and someone stated they could never adopt- i was horrified. it hurt. my heart was broken. they witnessed my children's first Thanksgiving. they saw the beauty of families growing, yet they miss the point. it is NOT about us. we are but instruments of God. my family's lives have been blessed far more from these orphans than we have blessed theirs.

would i do it again if i knew what my life would look like? yup. would i adopt again. oh, please God, let it be so. will it be hard? you betcha. but, oh, to stand in the presence of God at work. why would i want to miss out on that?

rise up God's people. support each other. love the lesser of us. and don't for one minute think that the blogs that have gone "quiet" are just from busy families. i assure you, they are probably in the weeds. lift them up in prayer. call them if you know them. ask if you can bring over a meal. send a "thinking of you" card. send them links to other blogs.

that is just what my friend, J, did today. she sent me a blog post on this subject and knew it was what i needed. http://cheaperbythehalfdozens.blogspot.com/2012/11/in-which-i-blog-againand-ask-you-favor.html

so now this goes public. please love us, pray for us, champion the orphan/adoptive families. 

HEAVENLY FATHER. YOU HAVE CALLED US TO CARE FOR THE ORPHAN. MANY OF YOUR DISCIPLES HAVE DONE JUST THAT. SOME HAVE DONATED GOODS AND MONEY. SOME HAVE ADOPTED. SOME HAVE PRAYED. WE PRAISE YOU FOR YOUR EVERLASTING LOVE AND PROVISION. I LIFT UP THE FAMILIES STRUGGLING TO FIND SOLID FOOTING. PLEASE SHOW THEM THAT YOU ARE THE ROCK ON WHICH ALL THINGS FIND SOLACE. FILL US WITH YOUR GRACE AND LOVE. WE EXALT YOU FOR ALLOWING US TO BE REDEEMED AND MADE NEW EACH DAY. THANK YOU FOR CALLING US TO BE YOURS AND GIVING US THE GOOD GIFT OF FAMILY. WE ARE NOTHING APART FROM YOU. SO BECAUSE OF THIS, I THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING I AM AND MY CHILDREN ARE. WE LOOK TO YOU WITH JOYFUL EXPECTANCY OF THE PLANS YOU HAVE MADE TO PROSPER OUR FUTURE. YET, THERE ARE STILL MILLIONS OF CHILDREN WITHOUT FAMILIES. MERCIFUL GOD, TOUCH MORE COUPLES WITH THE CALL. PLEASE MAKE THE TERM ORPHAN OBSOLETE. I PRAY FOR EACH CHILD AROUND THE WORLD WHO IS SITTING ALONE AND HUNGRY, WITHOUT HOPE, WITHOUT KNOWLEDGE OF YOU. PLEASE SEND COMFORT, PROVISION, AND HELP TO THEM. ABBA HEAL THIS WORLD. FORGIVE OUR SELFISHNESS AND ATROCITIES WE HAVE COMMITTED AGAINST YOUR CHILDREN. BREAK OUR HEARTS FOR THE FATHERLESS. TEAR THE BLINDING SCALES FROM OUR EYES. MOVE US TO ACT. I LAY ALL THESE REQUESTS AT THE FOOT OF THE CROSS. WE ASK THIS AND ALL THINGS THROUGH JESUS.  AMEN.