i am forever "doing it wrong," a favorite line of mine from the movie Mr. Mom. almost everything i have done so far has been done either out of order or with blind naivete.
i am realizing God knew that if i understood how things really worked, i would have chickened out. so i go along my merry way having not a clue and i have accepted a second child.
this is how it happened...
adoption agent: hello?
me: hi D, i got my I-800 A mailed out, tell me more about a second child and what are the added expenses?
aa: i'll have S, the waiting child coordinator, talk to you about that, but good news, there is no added expense at this stage. we aren't sure if you'll want to take on this child or if you think you will be able to handle it.
me: ok then, i will wait for S to contact me.
so my thoughts were two for the price of one. absolutely we are doing this.
we got an email from the waiting child agent, S. it stated that she was thrilled we were open to a second child because it is our little girl's best friend. she is a bit out of our desired age range, but we can say no if we want to. how could i say no to her best friend? how could i look her in the face everyday and know that i wouldn't take her friend too? what if she finds out we said no? will we have to meet her if/when we tour the orphanage? could i sleep at night wondering if she ever found her forever family or if she suffered the cruel fate that timed out children often meet?
so i told S, send us the file. i just so happened to get the file while two of my close friends were over for a play date. we all looked at her, oooing and ahhing, and i fell in love again. she is 12 going on 13, healthy, but a bit developmentally delayed.
what am i thinking? i can't take two. that really is crazy.
ooo...they also sent a video of our second child. when i opened it, there she was answering questions and writing chinese characters. then the camera zoomed in on a picture she was drawing.
it is a flower. the same type maria chapman drew the day she died. (if you aren't familiar with her story-read Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman or get Steven Curtis Chapman's CD Beauty Will Rise).
the next picture was a house. i get it. my family will be six(six petaled flower) and she
wants needs a home.
OK GOD, I SEE YOUR SIGNS. I UNDERSTAND THEY ARE YOUR SIGNPOSTS OF WHERE WE ARE GOING.
hubby and the kids are on board. my friends are excited. looks like the answer to adopting a second child is a unanimous(even if i am still apprehensive)YES!
i started filling out the referral paperwork to formally accept her, when I saw the contract. uh...not two for the price of one?! silly me! WHAT WAS I THINKING? in actuality it is an additional $8k.
GOD, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT ME TO TAKE TWO? WE HAVEN'T THE MONEY TO COMPLETE THE FIRST ADOPTION. I ALREADY FELL IN LOVE WITH HER. JEHOVAH JIREH, WE NEED YOU!
so i will walk in faith, cash in our meager 401k, cash in my life insurance, and pray that someone will loan us the money until next spring when our tax return comes in and we can pay them back.
how hard it is to know God has a plan- that He knows the end of the story already, but still not be able to flip to the last page to see if it is a happy ending(yes, i am one of those people).
having faith and still to live without fear is hard. i want to trust Him because i know He has never let me down, but this is a big test of trust. i am scared to put us in deep and not be able to come out ok.
i so need to meditate on Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
yes, i know there are tons of grants out there that we qualify for, a church scholarship, and a generous tax credit from the federal government, but i still have to shell out the money up front before it gets reimbursed. how do i shell out what i do not have?
guess that is the beauty of miracles. they only happen when there is no other earthly way. so i will work on patience once again and wait for a miracle.
HEAVENLY FATHER THANK YOU FOR YOUR SIGNPOSTS AND ALLOWING ME TO SEE THEM. THANK YOU FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO GIVE THESE PRECIOUS CHILDREN A FOREVER FAMILY. I AM SORRY FOR MY WEAKNESS AND FEAR. PLEASE HELP ME TO BE STILL WHILE YOU WORK OUT THE LOGISTICS AND FINANCES. BE WITH MY SWEET GIRLS, LET THEM SENSE YOUR PRESENCE, PROTECT THEM UNTIL WE CAN BRING THEM HOME. PLEASE LORD, MOVE OUR MOUNTAINS...MAKE THEM TREMBLE AND FALL. YOU CAN DO ALL THINGS. IN JESUS'S NAME I PRAY. AMEN.