whining and waiting

i have really been sweating it. we need one last document to complete this dossier stage of the adoption process. we were told that the timetable for receiving this document would be 45-60 days. after we hit 45 days on july 31, i was on mailbox watch. each day that went by and no I 797(fingerprint-background check-approval) left me sinking lower and lower into the what-ifs.

whatif it doesn't come in time  whatif we have to start over  whatif we get denied because our new homestudy will show we have hit some unexpected financial lows and shows that we don't have enough assets  whatif i didn't hear God tell me to do this and it was my will, not His? 

oh the noise of a nervous brain eating itself. not pretty.

just in case it was going to take more time, we decided to get all the other 12 documents certified and authenticated. 

monday, august 8 we went to hartford to the secretary of state's office to get the 12 documents certified. what that meant was that they staple a fancy paper with a shiny gold seal to each one stating that it is notarized by a legal notary and is a legal document. we were in and out in less than an hour. mission accomplished. that was easy. if it all could be!

but where is that I 797? by august 15 our 60 days had passed. now i am obsessed with the mailbox. is the person who is in charge on vacation? has it been lost? were we denied? why is it taking longer than the 60 days? are we going to miss that deadline? 

we waited thinking it will come. the adoption agency advised us to go to new york and get the 12 we had authenticated, sent to texas, and approved. they would wait for the last one to come before sending it to china. this is a gamble. 

thursday of this week, august 18, we decided to go to the chinese consulate and get their fancy seal put on all the paperwork. S and i got up at 3:45 am and drove an hour to new haven, got on a metro north train for a 100 minute ride, got to nyc by 8:15, took a bus to 12th ave and arrived at the consulate by 8:45. we were seen at the window at 9:25 only to be told they had stopped doing same day service as of august 1. WHAT? we have to come back tomorrow? oh no. back on the bus to grand central station, missed the 10:07 train by three minutes, took the 11:07 train to new haven, arrived at 1:30 and got home by 2:30 pm. 

travel to the consulate: 4 hours
consulate visit: 40 minutes
return travel: 5 hours

wait though...we bested our time on friday's return trip.

got up before 3:45 am(too tired to look at the clock to see when), on the road by 4:15 am, took the 5:40 am train to grand central station, took bus to consulate, sat in line by 7:49, entered consulate at 8:30, was seen at 9:12, got on return bus by 9:20, took 10:07 train to new haven, would have been home by 1 pm, but i wanted to eat out because i was too tired to think about cooking lunch after all that. we arrived home at 3:30.

total travel time in two days: just under 20 hours.

so i figure mothers put the guilt on biological kids saying things like, "i labored for 20 hours to bring you into this world!" do i get to say i labored over 4 months and traveled over 27,000 miles to bring you into my world?

but by friday afternoon i was still worried. do we have to do this another two times next week? will our fingerprints EVER come in? i have been praying non-stop for weeks.

GOD,  I KNOW YOU HEAR MY CONSTANT PLEAS, WHINING AND QUESTIONING. I KNOW YOU ANSWER ALL MY PRAYERS, BUT I'M SCARED. CAN YOU JUST HELP US GET OUR PAPERWORK?

my sense was that it is a control issue. He isn't going to come through until i let go. so friday night was...

GOD? I AM SURE YOU ARE BORED BY MY INCESSANT BEGGING. I WILL STOP. I SURRENDER ALL TO YOU. THIS IS NOT MY PLAN, BUT YOURS. TAKE MY LIFE. LET ME BE AVAILABLE FOR YOUR WORK. I WILL WAIT ON YOU. YOU HAVE YOUR WAYS AND THEY ARE PERFECT. I WILL STOP OBSESSING. IT IS WHAT IT IS.

this morning(saturday) we went to the dragon boat races and had a wonderful time. i tried my best not to think about the missing paperwork. i worked on total surrender. i had fun and was present to my children. i refuse to worry anymore.

bet you figured out what happened, right?

i got home and checked the mailbox....

IT CAME!!!!!!! PRAISE GOD!!! IT IS HERE!!! WE MIGHT JUST BEAT THIS DEADLINE AFTER ALL!!!! WOOHOO GIRLS-MOMMY IS COMING FOR YOU!

my mother always said, "let go, let God." she is right again. why did i worry? it reminds me of the song All Is Well by robin mark that always makes me cry....

all is well with my soul

He is God in control

i know not all His plans

but i know i'm in His hands



now we get to go back to nyc two more times this coming week. then we have to compile everything, get it in the mail to the adoption agency in texas and pray some more that it gets to china to be translated and logged in by october 1.

so pray please that it happens. but, i will not worry. i will not be a pest. i will surrender all...for i know my God is a wise and powerful God. He can do ALL things.

hmm, maybe i'll shout to the mountains once again...