Hiding in Plain Sight

whenever i get overwhelmed, i go into hiding. i don't call people back, i don't make plans, i try to stay in my quiet corner of my mind where no one can get me. it is probably a function of not learning how to process stress as a child. most of my family and friends accept this quirk about me. some don't. last month a friend "broke up" with my family because it took eleven days for me to return a phone call. 

here's the thing...i have been so busy in the last month. what were we up to? here's a rundown:
we have participated in two week long VBS programs, spent an entire week shopping, crafting, and decorating for one of them, been on about a dozen playdates, gone to church, started an adoption bible study/support group, had our adoption fingerprints taken,  hosted/attended several fellowship gatherings, hung out at our local beach, went to the fourth of july fireworks, library's chinese dinner, a class reunion, and an unexpected camping trip. whew! so much for hiding out.

what was i hiding out from then? the adoption.

from may until early july it was all i did. paperchasing, phone calls, faxes, appointments, homestudy, and on and on.

i needed a break. sometimes i wish it would go away and i could go back to my quiet and safe life. then i think of my two precious little girls 12 thousand miles away in an orphanage and i can't hide anymore.

so i have laced up my big girl boots once again and am marching towards our goal of bringing my girls home. next up? waiting for the approval of our fingerprints. we were told the process was running 45-60 days. well, it has been over 45 days and is very close to 60. i am trying to squelch my fear of missing our october 1 deadline.

PLEASE HOLY SPIRIT, FLY OUR RESULTS OVER HERE FAST. MAKE THE POWERS THAT BE MOVE SWIFTLY. IT IS YOUR TIME AND WILL, GOD. I KNOW YOU HAVE IT UNDER YOUR CONTROL. I WILL WAIT ON YOU, LORD.

if we miss our deadline, we start over. it is not the thousands of extra dollars and having to paperchase all over again that bothers me. it is making my babies wait even longer for their forever family.

two nights ago i had an awful dream. there was a knock at the door and when i opened it, there was a chinese man and he handed over our girls. i was shocked. they brought them to us? we are done with the paperwork? what is going on? he left without giving any answers. the girls came in and amazingly spoke decent english. our ten year old was a complete cuddlebug, but our 12 year old was not so much. they played with a bunch of children in our backyard and i was so excited to have them here. to love them, hold them, make them part of our family. what was so awful about that?

wellll, next thing i knew, our adoption agent showed up and tried talking to me, but before she could answer my questions, the man showed back up with a whole group of orphans and took my kids back. the ten year old clung to me as i promised that i would do everything in my power to come and get her as soon as possible. nothing would make me take 15 minutes longer than necessary.

i woke up from the dream just sobbing. what a tease it was to have them and have to give them back. even if it was just temporary. i am so glad God didn't choose ethiopia for us as you have to go two times instead of just the one. how does anyone meet their child and leave them behind?

so, the anxiety of adoption is getting to me even if i am hiding out from it.

on a positive note...yesterday we bought some bunkbeds for the girls. $100 for mattresses and everything. while S mowed the lawn, i emptied out HALF my closet so he could share it(not an easy task) and we moved the children's clothes into his closet in the playroom. their room doesn't have a closet so we had one of those temporary pvc pipe style wardrobes in the room. we had to move that out to make room for the new beds. S was shocked that i wanted to  put the beds up right away. what were we going to do? leave them in my living room until the girls come home?

so setting them up, making sacrifices, changing our bio-daughters' room drastically, made everything that much more real. one step closer to having our family united. instead of being stressful, it was fun. exciting. and as an added bonus-A slept on her own bed(she commandeered the new top bunk as E has the top on their existing beds). E was thrilled to be 11 and finally sleeping in a bed alone.

we knew this process would change us and force us to grow. we just didn't anticipate how it would look. i am joyful of all these blessings. if i knew then(before we made the decision to adopt) what i know now...would i do it again?

YES

THANK YOU FATHER FOR TEACHING US. FOR GENTLY SUPPORTING US AND MOLDING US TO BE THE DISCIPLES YOU WOULD HAVE US BE. YOUR MERCY AND PROVISION CONTINUES TO AMAZE ME. FORGIVE ME FOR MY FEAR AND ANXIETY AND HELP ME TO REMEMBER TO WARN THOSE MOUNTAINS OF YOUR AWESOME POWER. AMEN.