Friday, May 13, 2011

Misery and Miracles

i can’t believe it has been 10 days since i posted last. guess we’ve been busy. wonder why, ha! so this is a long but worthwhile post. 
i just kissed my darling E and A goodbye as they drove off with grampa for a weeklong vacation to myrtle beach. i blessed them and set off to water the tomato and cucumber plants i am attempting to keep alive, (the only thing i can grow besides children are potatoes and onions in my cabinets and mildew in the bathroom).
it struck me for the millionth time what abundance we have. we loaded the back of my father’s pick-up truck with their brand new bicycles, scooters, suitcases full of new clothes, bathing suits, and 5 pairs of assorted shoes for each of them, a large bag of beach mats, sand toys, helmets and pads, and boogie boards. we stuffed the backseat with activity books, nintendo DS game systems, american girl dolls and warm jackets in case of cool weather. then they were off to a gorgeous timeshare on the beach and a weeklong grandparent spoiling session.
why on earth wouldn’t we share all this with an adopted child? if they let me, i would adopt a dozen more.  for so many years i have been focused on ego fulfillment. i am extremely thankful the Lord wouldn’t let up on me and “got all up in my business” about adopting. everywhere i look i am faced with adoption. even yesterday, i pulled out an old reader’s digest to flip through. what page did i randomly open up to? you guessed it…a story about a family adopting two children from vietnam. i can’t get away from it. and frankly- i don’t want to. i am sure everyone is sick of me only being able to focus on that one topic of conversation. get used to it folks-its not changing anytime soon.

i haven’t been writing because i’ve been so busy with farming, adoption paperwork, piecework orders, and trying to jam remaining schoolwork in before vacation.

BUT also there was another reason

i haven’t wanted everyone to know how hard the emotional roller coaster has been. now i can share it.

monday afternoon, s and i decided to start collecting all the mountains of required documents while in manchester for the kids’ piano lessons. we stopped at AAA to get passport photos then dumped the children off at lessons and headed to town hall to purchase birth certificates and copies of our marriage license. while we were there we found they even complete passport applications. so all got done in less than 90 minutes! when we arrived home, our requested child’s file was sitting in my email inbox. elated, happy, excited that everything has been so easy and fast thus far. i know it wouldn’t always go smoothly, but i hadn’t anticipated the turn things would take in just a few short hours.
late monday night we decided to peek at jiara’s file. s was tired so we thought we’d only look at the fun part-PHOTOS! as we looked, we saw a little boy!? i know they keep the hair short on little girls, but this couldn’t be our girl. those dimples looked just like a child i had looked at on the waiting child list. then i saw it-the familiar cutie i had been looking at weeks ago. why did we get his file? as we scrolled through the pictures…horror. this 5 year old sweetie has ambiguous genitalia.  i knew such things existed, but in theory only. seeing it was too real. too painful. the chinese are very into appearance. they wouldn’t want him, would they? and what american family for that matter would take him?  who will want this little guy? the sad reality was, not me. not because of the issue, but because we had wanted a girl.

what was God trying to tell me? i was so afraid that He meant this little one for me. i emailed the agency letting them know of the error and went to bed very upset. LORD, WHY BURDEN ME WITH THIS?
i got up after a long sleepless night so depressed. no one will want this child i thought. i started calling people asking them if they did or knew of someone who would. i felt responsible to find him a home.
the agency then sent me the correct file and apologized saying they had no idea how that had happened-they didn’t even HAVE that file on their server. i knew then God had done it- BUT WHY?
i didn’t want to open jiara’s file after that. it wasn’t fair to look at her when i was so unwilling to take on this poor child. needless to say, i spent all morning crying and praying hard for our Merciful Father to find him a home.
when i was able to bring myself to look at the correct file, it was bittersweet, not full of the joy we had had the previous evening. then- blow number two. i won’t burden anyone else with this information, but do know that she came to be an orphan in a disturbing way. i cried a bunch more begging God to forgive His people our atrocities. how could anyone do what they did to this child-MY child of my heart? will she ever know how much i love her and WANT her? if it hurt me so badly, how must it hurt God when He has known her since before she was in her mother’s womb? i am so naive, so sheltered, so pitifully unblemished by the world’s cruelties.
so you can see why i didn’t want to write. Lord take this knowledge from me…unburn the images of these poor children from my mind! WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE?
it didn’t take Him long to answer. wednesday morning i awoke to another email from the agency. a family requested that little boy’s file!!!!!!!!! PRAISE YOU LORD.
oh, how we can’t even begin to comprehend His plans. perhaps He sent this child to me so i would lift him up in prayer. PLEASE GOD LET THAT FAMILY CHOOSE HIM. it also goes to show that i know nothing. he was wanted. the day before, i was amazed at the evil hatefulness of mankind. less than 24 hours later i was shown the capacity of mankind’s great love. THANK YOU GOD FOR SHOWING ME BOTH SIDES AND FOR ANSWERING MY PRAYERS.
i have written enough for now. we are plodding through the homestudy applications and all it entails.
please keep jiara in your thoughts and prayers. pray that this endeavor will continue moving at its current pace. thank you to everyone who has been supporting us and pouring out their love. we appreciate you all. 

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