flip for it

last spring i was having trouble processing all my stress. stress? you say? whatever could you mean? hahahhahhhaha...

we knew adopting older children would bring many challenges. heartache. tears. we knew it would highlight our lack of "parenting hurt children" tools. we knew it would affect our biological kids. extended family. friendships. we knew it would challenge our resources. money. time. patience. logistics.
 
some professionals have accused me of being starry-eyed, naïve, and ignorant of just how drastically things would change. that i should have known better. friends begged me not to adopt. some family members were less than supportive...one even telling us on Christmas Eve before we brought the kids home, "your lives are over."

i've got news for all of them. we were forewarned. we heard it. we ignored it all! so there!
 
nothing could tear us from the path God set us on. we walk this journey in complete and absolute Faith and Trust. He told us to do this. we were not trying to fulfill some egocentric need. we were not keeping up with the joneses. we were simply living in obedience to the Word.
 
have things been as bad as all those doomsday predictions? no, not really. far from it.

we have had copious amounts of laughter, joy, bonding, many blessings, and an exponential growth in love production.
 
but adoption is two sides of the same coin. you never know which side it will land on from day to day.
 
we have also had major issues with defiance, lying, retaliatory behaviors, self-punishment, very low self-esteem, and refusal to take care of personal hygiene.
 
news flash...all normal for kids with institutionalized backgrounds.

all of that combined with a father who works inhumane hours for an all but poverty level salary-thus leaving a mother to almost single parent with limited resources, two children that did not get along well at all, juggling three different schooling situations, and being tuned into the adoption community...made for a stressed out mom.

my "parent support" therapist, Mary, suggested i drop off the scene for a while. perhaps grieving all my blogging community's trials and tribulations was creating a more emotionally challenging environment than i could handle. and seeing that i had a great support in Mary, i didn't need to blog as an outlet.

i gave it a shot. i cut myself off from the blogging and things did get to a more manageable level. 
 
it was not my intention to cut our family off from those loved ones who stayed connected to us through our blog. i now see that ten months of no updates have left some wondering how we are. it was self preservation on my end, but almost mean to everyone else who loves us. i apologize.

things have been hard, will continue to be hard, and show no signs of miraculously becoming easy.

we didn't sign up for easy. we signed up to have our hearts broken as God's is, dying to our own selves to serve Him, and sacrificing the easy life for a better one.
 
does being hard have to mean that things are negative? NO WAY. right now i can hear giggling and fun coming from the children's room. i have had my most hurt kiddo curl up in my lap and quietly say, "mom? i feel safe here." we have had so many amazing blessings over the last ten months.

i will try to share them over the next several posts including many pictures and videos of our beautiful family.
 
so i am choosing to return to my blogging community. why now?
 
well most of the support i had last year has gone away. my beloved grandmother passed in may, my amazing therapist moved on, my support group fizzled, my marriage almost died (don't worry...we are reviving it and prognoses looks good), several friends lost touch, and the kids stopped going to all outside therapies of OT, PT, and speech therapy. those therapists were not only cheerleaders to the children, but an enormous part of my team. i grieve all these loses still. it was a tough year. i really could use an outlet to process my feelings again.

but the most important reason i resume my blog is out of love and respect for all of you whom have prayed and loved us through that connection. i hope to honor you and inspire you through our Faith walk.
 
i will do my best not to be a downer. i will vent. i will get preachy at times. i will share what some feel to be an invasion of my kids' privacy. i will be sporadic.
 
but i will also infuse this crazy life with humor and light. sharing as often as i can.

i do not know which side the coin will land on from day to day. but odds are in my favor that it will never be all bad or all good. if i just hang on to the next flip of that coin...things will change again.
 
He has not left us. He never will. He is faithful forever. we cling to that during the hardest times. it makes the good times all the sweeter.

LORD, EVEN THOUGH I AM HAVING TROUBLE PRAYING A LOT RIGHT NOW, PLEASE KNOW HOW MUCH WE LOVE AND HONOR YOU. HOW MUCH WE ARE THANKFUL FOR YOUR PROVISIONS. WE THANK YOU FOR CREATING AN AMAZING LIFE FOR US SO THAT WE MAY WALK THIS EARTH WITNESSING TO YOUR GREAT LOVE AND THAT OTHERS WOULD SEE OUR WORK AND PRAISE YOU FOR ALL ETERNITY. PLEASE BLESS ALL THOSE WHO READ THIS BLOG AND LOVE THEM AS THEY LOVE US. THROUGH HIS PRECIOUS AND HOLY NAME, JESUS CHRIST. AMEN.