It is Official-I'm Crazy

sooooooo, many people have likened the adoption/fostering processes to being pregnant.

yup, some things have definitely made me nauseous, i have been having nightmares regularly when i normally don't dream(or at least remember my dreams), i have suffered from ambivalence-fluctuating from terror to peace and i want this-i don't want this, constantly figuring out logistics, obsessing about what my child will be like/become, imagining our new family in every activity we do....you name it.

it is everything like pregnancy, but this child is growing outside my body-oh and is also coming home as a ten year old.

today i had my virtual ultrasound. there's two in there!

what do i mean?

the adoption agent called to congratulate us on a successful approval of our home study. she also wants me to get the I-800 A sent overnight to the department of homeland security/uscis tomorrow. she also reminded me to change page 7 of it to accepting two children....

WHAT? TWO? SERIOUSLY?

how could this happen you ask?

well, it went like this.

the home study social worker asked during our interview if we would be willing to take two children if offered to us. we said an emphatic "YES!" so, she wrote the home study to reflect the option of two children. i thought that when we got to china, the officials might just say, "here take this one too."

we marveled at the idea of being blessed with two. we warned the children we might come home with two. we didn't actually think it would happen.

the adoption agent went on to explain that until she had read the home study, she didn't know we had wanted two.

weeeellllllll, we didn't want two, we were open to the idea of two. i said "yes, we did say we would be open to a second."

she then said, "oh good! i have the perfect child picked out for you. send in the I-800 A and then we'll talk."

again, the nausea.

LORD, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? DO YOU MEAN TO MAKE US A FAMILY OF SIX?

my mind went to all those ugly little thoughts. excuses of why we couldn't take two.

we're not ready  we don't even have the first one yet  how can we afford this  what about fitting everyone in the car  how will i homeschool four children-two of them don't even speak english  how will our families feel  i like my easy life-it will be way harder  where will everyone sleep  what will it do to our marriage  how can i give enough attention to our daughters when i am trying to help two new children adjust....on and on and on went my mind.

help! MOM!

what my wise mother said(paraphrased), "you have walked this entire journey through faith, why stop now?"

she's right. she always is.

ok, our buick seats six, God will provide-He always has, we have a bedroom we don't currently use, we already knew we would adopt #4 someday-now we save a bunch of money and only have to adjust to a changing family dynamic once, our new daughter will have a chinese sibling to learn english with, the more the merrier, if one was a blessing-two is double the blessing.

even if we don't actually adopt two, we are open to life and God's will in our lives.

my friend asked how my husband felt about two coming home, i told her i don't know- he is still at work. she laughed at me. good thing S is easy going and adventurous.

so i guess i still haven't learned to be careful about what i ask God for. i often lamented over not having a large family. God can fix that! (super hero music plays)watch!

FATHER IN HEAVEN, YOU KNOW WHAT MY FAMILY WILL LOOK LIKE. YOU KNOW YOUR WILL FOR MY LIFE. PLEASE HELP ME TO BE AVAILABLE TO BE YOUR HEART, HANDS, AND MOUTH. I AM SORRY FOR MY FEAR. I TRUST IN YOUR PROVISION.

I LOVE YOU JEHOVAH JIREH

ps...please buy coffee, heeheehee. we will be needing a bit more fundage  www.justlovecoffee.com/thehallorans