Signposts

how is it that everyone keeps saying that adoption is hard? if i can bumble my way through it and still keep a shred of sanity, anyone can do this.


i am forever "doing it wrong," a favorite line of mine from the movie Mr. Mom. almost everything i have done so far has been done either out of order or with blind naivete.


i am realizing God knew that if i understood how things really worked, i would have chickened out. so i go along my merry way having not a clue and i have accepted a second child.

this is how it happened...



adoption agent: hello?

me: hi D, i got my I-800 A mailed out, tell me more about a second child and what are the added expenses?

aa: i'll have S, the waiting child coordinator, talk to you about that, but good news, there is no added expense at this stage.  we aren't sure if you'll want to take on this child or if you think you will be able to handle it.

me: ok then, i will wait for S to contact me.

so my thoughts were two for the price of one. absolutely we are doing this.

we got an email from the waiting child agent, S. it stated that she was thrilled we were open to a second child because it is our little girl's best friend. she is a bit out of our desired age range, but we can say no if we want to. how could i say no to her best friend? how could i look her in the face everyday and know that i wouldn't take her friend too? what if she finds out we said no? will we have to meet her if/when we tour the orphanage? could i sleep at night wondering if she ever found her forever family or if she suffered the cruel fate that timed out children often meet?

so i told S, send us the file. i just so happened to get the file while two of my close friends were over for a play date. we all looked at her, oooing and ahhing, and i fell in love again. she is 12 going on 13, healthy, but a bit developmentally delayed.

what am i thinking? i can't take two. that really is crazy.

ooo...they also sent a video of our second child. when i opened it, there she was answering questions and writing chinese characters. then the camera zoomed in on a picture she was drawing.

GASP!!!

it is a flower. the same type maria chapman drew the day she died. (if you aren't familiar with her story-read Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman or get Steven Curtis Chapman's CD Beauty Will Rise).

the next picture was a house. i get it. my family will be six(six petaled flower) and she wants  needs a home.

OK GOD,  I SEE YOUR SIGNS. I UNDERSTAND THEY ARE YOUR SIGNPOSTS OF WHERE WE ARE GOING.

hubby and the kids are on board. my friends are excited. looks like the answer to adopting a second child is a unanimous(even if i am still apprehensive)YES!

i started filling out the referral paperwork to formally accept her, when I saw the contract. uh...not two for the price of one?! silly me! WHAT WAS I THINKING? in actuality it is an additional $8k. 

GOD, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT ME TO TAKE TWO?  WE HAVEN'T THE MONEY TO COMPLETE THE FIRST ADOPTION. I ALREADY FELL IN LOVE WITH HER. JEHOVAH JIREH, WE NEED YOU!



so i will walk in faith, cash in our meager 401k, cash in my life insurance, and pray that someone will loan us the money until next spring when our tax return comes in and we can pay them back. 

how hard it is to know God has a plan- that He knows the end of the story already, but still not be able to flip to the last page to see if it is a happy ending(yes, i am one of those people).

having faith and still to live without fear is hard. i want to trust Him because i know He has never let me down, but this is a big test of trust. i am scared to put us in deep and not be able to come out ok. 

i so need to meditate on Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

yes, i know there are tons of grants out there that we qualify for, a church scholarship, and a generous tax credit from the federal government, but i still have to shell out the money up front before it gets reimbursed. how do i shell out what i do not have? 

guess that is the beauty of miracles. they only happen when there is no other earthly way. so i will work on patience once again and wait for a miracle.

HEAVENLY FATHER THANK YOU FOR YOUR SIGNPOSTS AND ALLOWING ME TO SEE THEM. THANK YOU FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO GIVE THESE PRECIOUS CHILDREN A FOREVER FAMILY. I AM SORRY FOR MY WEAKNESS AND FEAR. PLEASE HELP ME TO BE STILL WHILE YOU WORK OUT THE LOGISTICS AND FINANCES. BE WITH MY SWEET GIRLS, LET THEM SENSE YOUR PRESENCE, PROTECT THEM UNTIL WE CAN BRING THEM HOME. PLEASE LORD, MOVE OUR MOUNTAINS...MAKE THEM TREMBLE AND FALL. YOU CAN DO ALL THINGS. IN JESUS'S NAME I PRAY. AMEN.

It is Official-I'm Crazy

sooooooo, many people have likened the adoption/fostering processes to being pregnant.

yup, some things have definitely made me nauseous, i have been having nightmares regularly when i normally don't dream(or at least remember my dreams), i have suffered from ambivalence-fluctuating from terror to peace and i want this-i don't want this, constantly figuring out logistics, obsessing about what my child will be like/become, imagining our new family in every activity we do....you name it.

it is everything like pregnancy, but this child is growing outside my body-oh and is also coming home as a ten year old.

today i had my virtual ultrasound. there's two in there!

what do i mean?

the adoption agent called to congratulate us on a successful approval of our home study. she also wants me to get the I-800 A sent overnight to the department of homeland security/uscis tomorrow. she also reminded me to change page 7 of it to accepting two children....

WHAT? TWO? SERIOUSLY?

how could this happen you ask?

well, it went like this.

the home study social worker asked during our interview if we would be willing to take two children if offered to us. we said an emphatic "YES!" so, she wrote the home study to reflect the option of two children. i thought that when we got to china, the officials might just say, "here take this one too."

we marveled at the idea of being blessed with two. we warned the children we might come home with two. we didn't actually think it would happen.

the adoption agent went on to explain that until she had read the home study, she didn't know we had wanted two.

weeeellllllll, we didn't want two, we were open to the idea of two. i said "yes, we did say we would be open to a second."

she then said, "oh good! i have the perfect child picked out for you. send in the I-800 A and then we'll talk."

again, the nausea.

LORD, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? DO YOU MEAN TO MAKE US A FAMILY OF SIX?

my mind went to all those ugly little thoughts. excuses of why we couldn't take two.

we're not ready  we don't even have the first one yet  how can we afford this  what about fitting everyone in the car  how will i homeschool four children-two of them don't even speak english  how will our families feel  i like my easy life-it will be way harder  where will everyone sleep  what will it do to our marriage  how can i give enough attention to our daughters when i am trying to help two new children adjust....on and on and on went my mind.

help! MOM!

what my wise mother said(paraphrased), "you have walked this entire journey through faith, why stop now?"

she's right. she always is.

ok, our buick seats six, God will provide-He always has, we have a bedroom we don't currently use, we already knew we would adopt #4 someday-now we save a bunch of money and only have to adjust to a changing family dynamic once, our new daughter will have a chinese sibling to learn english with, the more the merrier, if one was a blessing-two is double the blessing.

even if we don't actually adopt two, we are open to life and God's will in our lives.

my friend asked how my husband felt about two coming home, i told her i don't know- he is still at work. she laughed at me. good thing S is easy going and adventurous.

so i guess i still haven't learned to be careful about what i ask God for. i often lamented over not having a large family. God can fix that! (super hero music plays)watch!

FATHER IN HEAVEN, YOU KNOW WHAT MY FAMILY WILL LOOK LIKE. YOU KNOW YOUR WILL FOR MY LIFE. PLEASE HELP ME TO BE AVAILABLE TO BE YOUR HEART, HANDS, AND MOUTH. I AM SORRY FOR MY FEAR. I TRUST IN YOUR PROVISION.

I LOVE YOU JEHOVAH JIREH

ps...please buy coffee, heeheehee. we will be needing a bit more fundage  www.justlovecoffee.com/thehallorans



On Our Way

thursday we sent our Letter of Intent to China. we were told it would take two to four weeks to get translated, reviewed, and accepted or denied. this is the document requesting the little girl we were preliminarily matched with last month. it has to say her stats, why we want to adopt a Chinese child, our family's support network/structure, our care plan for dealing with her transition to an american family and difficulties she may have due to her Cerebral Palsy. basically we had to plead our case as to why we would be the perfect match for this child.

then we had to write it all again for our referral letter, but that HAD to state we will not abuse her or abandon her. really? abandon her? after all that we are doing to bring her into our family. i thought that was a given. who would do that a second time to an already abandoned child? i had to add that promise in after the agency sent it back requiring us to do so. i complied because i had to, but know i really was opposed to writing it at all. writing it seems like an admission that it is a possibility, but i still promise not to do it. no one is taking my child away from me once she is officially ours. no one will ever hurt this child while i'm alive. that is more of a threat than a promise. watch out mama bear is here. 

ok enough soap box oration

now for the good news.......

our pre approval came back on tuesday. just five days after we sent it in. china said yes, they will read our dossier to adopt this particular child. WOOHOO. those prayers for speed are working. we may be able to beat that october 1 deadline after all. keep up those prayers for speed.

THANK YOU HOLY SPIRIT FOR FLYING OUR LOI THROUGH SO QUICKLY

the other amazing thing is that we got our official match on our daughter's 10th birthday. happy birthday big girl. next year we'll be together to celebrate.

so, because she couldn't be here to do it with us, we celebrated both E's 11th birthday, which was monday, and "jiara's" 10th birthday. here's a photo from a party a family member threw on tuesday. notice "jiara's" picture on the table between E and A.

here is a photo from the family party her father and i threw for E on sunday. E made her cake

our now 11 year old E is so sweet. after tuesday's surprise party, on the drive home, she said she felt a bit bad, because it wasn't her birthday anymore, it was her sister's. guess she is completely on board with adopting a sister. i found it hard to drive through my tears. tears of gratitude, tears of joy, tears of missing our daughter who is 8,000 miles away, tears of hope, tears born of a multitude of blessings.

GOD, THANK YOU FOR MY AMAZING CHILDREN AND THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING US TO HONOR YOU THROUGH THIS NEW JOURNEY. PLEASE WATCH OVER OUR CHINESE DAUGHTER WHILE SHE WAITS FOR US-LET HER KNOW OF YOUR LOVE AND PROVISION

Not So Scary

DOSSIER

sounds scary. it isn't. last week i emailed our adoption agency looking for our next steps. the homestudy is completed and we are waiting for final approval. after that we can file our national background check, fingerprints, and apply for visas to enter china. this paperwork is called the 1-800 a. i was the most worried about this granddaddy.

our dossier(file of 13 documents required to adopt) consultant sent me an email package with a 67 page instruction booklet...

gulp!



i am terrible at following directions. that is why i can't bake. don't believe me? ask my family. i have never made edible cookies. even from one of those packages where you only add water. still don't believe me?even my brownies turn out awful, except for if your name is fred or you are my husband, then you appreciate raw in the middle brownies...the best of both worlds-half baked and half straight from the mixing bowl.

so i am expected to follow a 67 page instruction booklet? i read the first 10 pages and decided i changed my mind. i am not adopting. when i told my friend M this, she smiled that knowing smile and asked if this was the first time i was deciding this. i told her no-it was the second. after assuring me that it will be at least 12 more times, i felt a bit better.

the dossier consultant called me tuesday to answer one of my hundreds of nervous questions and asked if i had read the guide. yes, but i couldn't get my mind wrapped around the i 800 a, i told her. she said ok work on getting your

birth certificates....

CHECK already done

get your marriage license

CHECK already done

passports

CHECK got those the week after we decided to adopt

how about your physicals

CHECK already done and notarized

employment verification?

CHECK done that too

financial statement

CHECK yup did that for the home study

police background check

CHECK even has a gold seal on it

home study completed?

CHECK awaiting approval

family lifestyle photos

CHECK did those too for the home study

application letter?????

no, what's that? found out it is in the dossier guide. who knew? i can't make heads or tails of that monster. i guess i'll do that today i told her.

she said, ok write the application letter and email me all you have already. so i did. then she emailed me back and said the dossier is just waiting on homestudy approval and the i- 800 a. seriously?

i did a dossier?????

you betcha. she sort of tricked me. i guess i just needed it broken down. it was more scary in theory than actuality. it took me just a couple of days to do it. of course my friends, d, j, and m gave me a big head start and told me i needed the birth cert, marriage license, passport, and police background checks, which i did even before we formally applied to adopt. i had NO idea i WAS working on the dossier.

THANK YOU GOD FOR PROVIDING ME WITH FRIENDS AND A GREAT ADOPTION AGENCY!!!



that was easy. i was worried for nothing. how many times we are worried about the unknown when it is really nothing to be worried about at all? to think i almost paid $1200 for the dossier service which would do the paperchase for me. i saved us some serious cash and boosted my confidence. priceless.

what could i accomplish in my life if i only trusted my own abilities? profound. lesson learned.

this week i learned to trust myself, to be peaceful in the midst of the storm, stay in action, and that God has everything worked out already...i just have to get out of His way.

anyone that says it is too hard to adopt. take a lesson from me and know that we always will get to our destination by taking one step at a time.

tuesday was so successful, that today i spent the afternoon compiling our letter of intent/referral package to adopt the little girl we have been preliminarily matched with. hang on sweetie, we're acomin' for ya.

now, it is just a waiting game. lots of amending, lots of paper shuffling, translating documents, you know bureaucratic stuff.

i know there will be more hurdles along the way, but i already warned those mountains...

LOOK OUT! MY GOD IS REALLY BIG!

oh i need to plug my coffee store. we are raising money for the adoption. you buy fair trade coffee, we get a big percentage of the sales as a donation. the farmers get a fair market price. a child gets a forever family. you get a caffeine buzz. everybody wins! buy some...please?

www.justlovecoffee.com/thehallorans