happy thirteen sweetheart

i ache. i am missing a big milestone in my daughter's life. she is thirteen today(well, if you can believe the orphanage). she was found on october 6, 1998 with a note pinned to her chest outside an elevator in a Chinese hospital.

either she really was born on october 1 or she is a cabbage patch kid. remember on those ugly cute 80's doll's adoption certificates? how each one was born on the first of a month? who knew when i begged for one of those dolls...er...who am i fooling? it wasn't "one" of those dolls. it was a specific red haired pig-tailed girl named pammy laurice "born" on september 1 in a cabbage patch. i saw her in the store, fell in love, and hoped with every ounce of my being that my mother would cave and buy me the doll she referred to as homely.

i begged for that particular one. i picked her out. i coveted her. and i received her on my 10th birthday. oh what a joyous day.

i eventually went on to adopt another red headed pig-tail-braided doll. a child needs a sibling, right? i can't remember her name for the life of me. (sorry mom, i know you "battled" another woman in a bradlees department store toy aisle for said doll)

soon after, i grew up and traded my dolls for lip gloss and nail polish.

funny to think my life is repeating this scenario now. i have chosen two more children to adopt. i saw my ten year old's picture, fell in love, and have spent countless hours begging God to allow/trust me to be the one to love and raise her. (past posts will bring you up to speed on how our thirteen year old came into the picture)

it feels a bit like life imitating art. like a pinnochio story. BUT these girls aren't red headed-yarn haired-xavier roberts buttocks signed-bundles of joy. these girls weren't magically born and harvested from a vegetable patch. these girls aren't playthings. they aren't sitting on a shelf waiting to be a birthday gift.

these girls are real orphans. they have hard stories. they have hurts. they have been waiting. growing older each day. they need a family-FAST. they are real. forgotten. ignored. unloved by a cruel world who has turned their eyes from the unbelievable need and plight of the orphan. over 150 million children worldwide waiting for a home.

PLEASE GOD. FIND ALL THESE ORPHANS HOMES. LOVE. PARENTS. ALLOW ME TO BE BLESSED BY  A COUPLE(OR TWENTY) OF THESE CHILDREN.  IF IT IS YOUR WILL, FILL OUR HOME WITH CHILDREN, LOVE, LAUGHTER, AND HEALING ALL FOR YOUR GLORY.

i want them. i love them. i ache with missing my Chinese children, whom i've yet to meet. i am impatient wondering why it takes so long to bring them home. it is killing me to know i cannot hold my teenager and whisper into her hair how much i love her and am proud of my big girl.

what my cabbage patch kids taught me: 
i learned how to be a good mommy(albeit forgetful of names) by feeding them, dressing them, changing their diapers, putting them to bed, etc.
i learned that i wanted to have a family when i grew up.
i learned to have a momma bear mentality. (pammy was the first thing i asked for after a fire broke out in my bed in the middle of the night while i was sleeping in it.)
i learned what it is to love someone whom you've yet to be united with.
i learned about adoption.
i learned that we often get what we ask our parents for...including God the Father.

but these girls are real and i promise not to forget their names and tire of playing with them. EVER. i promise to not let another birthday go by without telling them how much i love and value them. i promise to cherish them and be thankful everyday of my life.

GOD THANK YOU FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO RAISE THESE GIRLS. PLEASE WATCH OVER  X ON HER BIRTHDAY. HOLY SPIRIT LET HER SENSE YOUR PRESENCE. LET HER KNOW YOU ARE AT WORK PREPARING A FOREVER FAMILY FOR HER. SPEED US ALONG THIS PROCESS. JESUS, EASE HER SUFFERING AND HEAL HER SOUL. I ASK THIS AND ALL THINGS THROUGH YOU.

so precious beautiful daughter of mine waiting so patiently in china. happy thirteenth birthday. i love you and i am proud of you. i am counting the minutes until i can hold you. love, your momma bear.

good news

got our log in date...the one we needed by october 1. we made the deadline. wah hoo!


LID 8/30/2011


my friend M got hers and her document went to China just after ours. today i emailed my agency just to check and we had ours too. their communications were running a bit late due to the long holiday weekend and the massive wildfires raging in TX. please pray for the safety of the people of TX especially the wonderful women at GWCA.




PRAISE GOD FOR ANSWERING PRAYERS.






 hope to travel to China in the next 5-8 months.

China or Bust

our background check came in on saturday, so it was back to nyc again this week.

S left at 7 am monday for hartford to get the I797 certified and then onto new york to get it authenticated. he got home just before 8 pm with news that the consulate no longer authenticates for next day pick-up. he would have to wait to pick up that last document on wednesday.

OH GOD! YOU ARE AMAZING! YOU KNEW WHAT WOULD BE AND HAVE MADE IT SO THAT WE WOULD BE PROTECTED AND PROVIDED FOR. THANK YOU FOR YOUR WISDOM.

why would we be so excited by waiting another day? tuesday there was an earthquake that had the city evacuating buildings. it screwed up mass transit and commuting out of the city. if the consulate was still processing next day, S would have been involved in that mess. he was able to go back on wednesday and pick up the completed I797.

i worked into the wee hours of the morning compiling the documents, photocopies of passports, and family lifestyle photos. thursday morning i worked on them some more for a couple of  hours. we drove out to fedex on thursday afternoon and over nighted them to texas.

whew! out of our hands. they would arrive friday morning, get processed next wednesday and be sent to China on friday.

PRAISE GOD! YOU DID IT! YOU PUT THE RIGHT PEOPLE WHO WERE WILLING TO BE AVAILABLE TO HELP US EXPEDITE THIS PROCESS, IN OUR LIVES. WE ARE TRULY GRATEFUL.

imagine my surprise when the adoption agency called today to say that the dossier was accepted and that all we need is for our homestudy agency to fax a copy of their license to the adoption agency and it will be sent to China tonight! she said we win the speedy gonzales trophy for setting a new record for completing a dossier in less than three months. WHAT? it is leaving tonight? i thought it would be next week.

i cried....then laughed....then praised God. i feel so good that the dossier is safe and out of the way of  hurricane irene barreling towards us this weekend.

then a small voice whispered "your agent isn't at work today."

i thought "come again? what? she isn't there? no, everything is fine."

the thought niggled at me for several minutes. OK i will call and check. this is how the conversation went.

agency secretary: hello?

me: hello, is karen in the office?

agency secretary: no, she is gone for the day.

me: WHAT? how about her supervisor?

secretary: no, everyone is at a conference for the day and aren't expected back until monday.

me: (my response is shortened because i was begging and rambling) she has to come in, we NEED the license. this could screw everything up. we could miss our deadline. can you help me?

secretary: no, i can't help you. i don't know where the license is. you will have to wait.

me: (more lengthy begging and pleading....) can you call someone? someone HAS to know where it is.

secretary: well, i could try. give me your info and the fax number.

me:  please please please help us. God bless your weekend.

we hung up. i started praying.

really? a simple copy of an agency license could take us down? oooo, evil-you are a jerk! you have no business here. be gone. God will fix this.

ten minutes later i got a call back from the secretary.

secretary: i have the license. i am faxing it now.

me: really? you are amazing. thank you so much(gushing and complimenting-i'll spare you) God bless you.

about 30 minutes later the adoption agency emailed saying they received the fax and our dossier will be on a plane bound for China tonight.

YIPPEE!

the dossier will be in China by monday morning. 

sigh! peace and provision. nothing is sweeter. trust in the Lord. nothing is more important. knowing we're not alone. nothing is more comforting.

of course, i am still praying for another family that is in the same boat as us trying to beat the dreaded deadline and waiting on their I797. please help me lift them up in prayer.

GOD ALMIGHTY, YOU HAVE HEARD OUR PLEAS AND HELPED US EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. YOU HAVE MOVED OUR MOUNTAINS. WE THANK YOU, PRAISE YOU, AND GLORIFY YOU. PLEASE BRING THE PELLEY'S THEIR I797 AND HELP THEM GET THEIR DOSSIER TO CHINA BEFORE THE DEADLINE. THEIR LITTLE GUY IS WAITING ON YOUR PROVISION. GIVE THEM PEACE AND COMFORT KNOWING YOU HAVE THIS COVERED-YOU ARE AT WORK-MAKING ALL WELL. IN CHRIST'S HOLY NAME. AMEN.  

whining and waiting

i have really been sweating it. we need one last document to complete this dossier stage of the adoption process. we were told that the timetable for receiving this document would be 45-60 days. after we hit 45 days on july 31, i was on mailbox watch. each day that went by and no I 797(fingerprint-background check-approval) left me sinking lower and lower into the what-ifs.

whatif it doesn't come in time  whatif we have to start over  whatif we get denied because our new homestudy will show we have hit some unexpected financial lows and shows that we don't have enough assets  whatif i didn't hear God tell me to do this and it was my will, not His? 

oh the noise of a nervous brain eating itself. not pretty.

just in case it was going to take more time, we decided to get all the other 12 documents certified and authenticated. 

monday, august 8 we went to hartford to the secretary of state's office to get the 12 documents certified. what that meant was that they staple a fancy paper with a shiny gold seal to each one stating that it is notarized by a legal notary and is a legal document. we were in and out in less than an hour. mission accomplished. that was easy. if it all could be!

but where is that I 797? by august 15 our 60 days had passed. now i am obsessed with the mailbox. is the person who is in charge on vacation? has it been lost? were we denied? why is it taking longer than the 60 days? are we going to miss that deadline? 

we waited thinking it will come. the adoption agency advised us to go to new york and get the 12 we had authenticated, sent to texas, and approved. they would wait for the last one to come before sending it to china. this is a gamble. 

thursday of this week, august 18, we decided to go to the chinese consulate and get their fancy seal put on all the paperwork. S and i got up at 3:45 am and drove an hour to new haven, got on a metro north train for a 100 minute ride, got to nyc by 8:15, took a bus to 12th ave and arrived at the consulate by 8:45. we were seen at the window at 9:25 only to be told they had stopped doing same day service as of august 1. WHAT? we have to come back tomorrow? oh no. back on the bus to grand central station, missed the 10:07 train by three minutes, took the 11:07 train to new haven, arrived at 1:30 and got home by 2:30 pm. 

travel to the consulate: 4 hours
consulate visit: 40 minutes
return travel: 5 hours

wait though...we bested our time on friday's return trip.

got up before 3:45 am(too tired to look at the clock to see when), on the road by 4:15 am, took the 5:40 am train to grand central station, took bus to consulate, sat in line by 7:49, entered consulate at 8:30, was seen at 9:12, got on return bus by 9:20, took 10:07 train to new haven, would have been home by 1 pm, but i wanted to eat out because i was too tired to think about cooking lunch after all that. we arrived home at 3:30.

total travel time in two days: just under 20 hours.

so i figure mothers put the guilt on biological kids saying things like, "i labored for 20 hours to bring you into this world!" do i get to say i labored over 4 months and traveled over 27,000 miles to bring you into my world?

but by friday afternoon i was still worried. do we have to do this another two times next week? will our fingerprints EVER come in? i have been praying non-stop for weeks.

GOD,  I KNOW YOU HEAR MY CONSTANT PLEAS, WHINING AND QUESTIONING. I KNOW YOU ANSWER ALL MY PRAYERS, BUT I'M SCARED. CAN YOU JUST HELP US GET OUR PAPERWORK?

my sense was that it is a control issue. He isn't going to come through until i let go. so friday night was...

GOD? I AM SURE YOU ARE BORED BY MY INCESSANT BEGGING. I WILL STOP. I SURRENDER ALL TO YOU. THIS IS NOT MY PLAN, BUT YOURS. TAKE MY LIFE. LET ME BE AVAILABLE FOR YOUR WORK. I WILL WAIT ON YOU. YOU HAVE YOUR WAYS AND THEY ARE PERFECT. I WILL STOP OBSESSING. IT IS WHAT IT IS.

this morning(saturday) we went to the dragon boat races and had a wonderful time. i tried my best not to think about the missing paperwork. i worked on total surrender. i had fun and was present to my children. i refuse to worry anymore.

bet you figured out what happened, right?

i got home and checked the mailbox....

IT CAME!!!!!!! PRAISE GOD!!! IT IS HERE!!! WE MIGHT JUST BEAT THIS DEADLINE AFTER ALL!!!! WOOHOO GIRLS-MOMMY IS COMING FOR YOU!

my mother always said, "let go, let God." she is right again. why did i worry? it reminds me of the song All Is Well by robin mark that always makes me cry....

all is well with my soul

He is God in control

i know not all His plans

but i know i'm in His hands



now we get to go back to nyc two more times this coming week. then we have to compile everything, get it in the mail to the adoption agency in texas and pray some more that it gets to china to be translated and logged in by october 1.

so pray please that it happens. but, i will not worry. i will not be a pest. i will surrender all...for i know my God is a wise and powerful God. He can do ALL things.

hmm, maybe i'll shout to the mountains once again...

Hiding in Plain Sight

whenever i get overwhelmed, i go into hiding. i don't call people back, i don't make plans, i try to stay in my quiet corner of my mind where no one can get me. it is probably a function of not learning how to process stress as a child. most of my family and friends accept this quirk about me. some don't. last month a friend "broke up" with my family because it took eleven days for me to return a phone call. 

here's the thing...i have been so busy in the last month. what were we up to? here's a rundown:
we have participated in two week long VBS programs, spent an entire week shopping, crafting, and decorating for one of them, been on about a dozen playdates, gone to church, started an adoption bible study/support group, had our adoption fingerprints taken,  hosted/attended several fellowship gatherings, hung out at our local beach, went to the fourth of july fireworks, library's chinese dinner, a class reunion, and an unexpected camping trip. whew! so much for hiding out.

what was i hiding out from then? the adoption.

from may until early july it was all i did. paperchasing, phone calls, faxes, appointments, homestudy, and on and on.

i needed a break. sometimes i wish it would go away and i could go back to my quiet and safe life. then i think of my two precious little girls 12 thousand miles away in an orphanage and i can't hide anymore.

so i have laced up my big girl boots once again and am marching towards our goal of bringing my girls home. next up? waiting for the approval of our fingerprints. we were told the process was running 45-60 days. well, it has been over 45 days and is very close to 60. i am trying to squelch my fear of missing our october 1 deadline.

PLEASE HOLY SPIRIT, FLY OUR RESULTS OVER HERE FAST. MAKE THE POWERS THAT BE MOVE SWIFTLY. IT IS YOUR TIME AND WILL, GOD. I KNOW YOU HAVE IT UNDER YOUR CONTROL. I WILL WAIT ON YOU, LORD.

if we miss our deadline, we start over. it is not the thousands of extra dollars and having to paperchase all over again that bothers me. it is making my babies wait even longer for their forever family.

two nights ago i had an awful dream. there was a knock at the door and when i opened it, there was a chinese man and he handed over our girls. i was shocked. they brought them to us? we are done with the paperwork? what is going on? he left without giving any answers. the girls came in and amazingly spoke decent english. our ten year old was a complete cuddlebug, but our 12 year old was not so much. they played with a bunch of children in our backyard and i was so excited to have them here. to love them, hold them, make them part of our family. what was so awful about that?

wellll, next thing i knew, our adoption agent showed up and tried talking to me, but before she could answer my questions, the man showed back up with a whole group of orphans and took my kids back. the ten year old clung to me as i promised that i would do everything in my power to come and get her as soon as possible. nothing would make me take 15 minutes longer than necessary.

i woke up from the dream just sobbing. what a tease it was to have them and have to give them back. even if it was just temporary. i am so glad God didn't choose ethiopia for us as you have to go two times instead of just the one. how does anyone meet their child and leave them behind?

so, the anxiety of adoption is getting to me even if i am hiding out from it.

on a positive note...yesterday we bought some bunkbeds for the girls. $100 for mattresses and everything. while S mowed the lawn, i emptied out HALF my closet so he could share it(not an easy task) and we moved the children's clothes into his closet in the playroom. their room doesn't have a closet so we had one of those temporary pvc pipe style wardrobes in the room. we had to move that out to make room for the new beds. S was shocked that i wanted to  put the beds up right away. what were we going to do? leave them in my living room until the girls come home?

so setting them up, making sacrifices, changing our bio-daughters' room drastically, made everything that much more real. one step closer to having our family united. instead of being stressful, it was fun. exciting. and as an added bonus-A slept on her own bed(she commandeered the new top bunk as E has the top on their existing beds). E was thrilled to be 11 and finally sleeping in a bed alone.

we knew this process would change us and force us to grow. we just didn't anticipate how it would look. i am joyful of all these blessings. if i knew then(before we made the decision to adopt) what i know now...would i do it again?

YES

THANK YOU FATHER FOR TEACHING US. FOR GENTLY SUPPORTING US AND MOLDING US TO BE THE DISCIPLES YOU WOULD HAVE US BE. YOUR MERCY AND PROVISION CONTINUES TO AMAZE ME. FORGIVE ME FOR MY FEAR AND ANXIETY AND HELP ME TO REMEMBER TO WARN THOSE MOUNTAINS OF YOUR AWESOME POWER. AMEN.

Signposts

how is it that everyone keeps saying that adoption is hard? if i can bumble my way through it and still keep a shred of sanity, anyone can do this.


i am forever "doing it wrong," a favorite line of mine from the movie Mr. Mom. almost everything i have done so far has been done either out of order or with blind naivete.


i am realizing God knew that if i understood how things really worked, i would have chickened out. so i go along my merry way having not a clue and i have accepted a second child.

this is how it happened...



adoption agent: hello?

me: hi D, i got my I-800 A mailed out, tell me more about a second child and what are the added expenses?

aa: i'll have S, the waiting child coordinator, talk to you about that, but good news, there is no added expense at this stage.  we aren't sure if you'll want to take on this child or if you think you will be able to handle it.

me: ok then, i will wait for S to contact me.

so my thoughts were two for the price of one. absolutely we are doing this.

we got an email from the waiting child agent, S. it stated that she was thrilled we were open to a second child because it is our little girl's best friend. she is a bit out of our desired age range, but we can say no if we want to. how could i say no to her best friend? how could i look her in the face everyday and know that i wouldn't take her friend too? what if she finds out we said no? will we have to meet her if/when we tour the orphanage? could i sleep at night wondering if she ever found her forever family or if she suffered the cruel fate that timed out children often meet?

so i told S, send us the file. i just so happened to get the file while two of my close friends were over for a play date. we all looked at her, oooing and ahhing, and i fell in love again. she is 12 going on 13, healthy, but a bit developmentally delayed.

what am i thinking? i can't take two. that really is crazy.

ooo...they also sent a video of our second child. when i opened it, there she was answering questions and writing chinese characters. then the camera zoomed in on a picture she was drawing.

GASP!!!

it is a flower. the same type maria chapman drew the day she died. (if you aren't familiar with her story-read Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman or get Steven Curtis Chapman's CD Beauty Will Rise).

the next picture was a house. i get it. my family will be six(six petaled flower) and she wants  needs a home.

OK GOD,  I SEE YOUR SIGNS. I UNDERSTAND THEY ARE YOUR SIGNPOSTS OF WHERE WE ARE GOING.

hubby and the kids are on board. my friends are excited. looks like the answer to adopting a second child is a unanimous(even if i am still apprehensive)YES!

i started filling out the referral paperwork to formally accept her, when I saw the contract. uh...not two for the price of one?! silly me! WHAT WAS I THINKING? in actuality it is an additional $8k. 

GOD, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT ME TO TAKE TWO?  WE HAVEN'T THE MONEY TO COMPLETE THE FIRST ADOPTION. I ALREADY FELL IN LOVE WITH HER. JEHOVAH JIREH, WE NEED YOU!



so i will walk in faith, cash in our meager 401k, cash in my life insurance, and pray that someone will loan us the money until next spring when our tax return comes in and we can pay them back. 

how hard it is to know God has a plan- that He knows the end of the story already, but still not be able to flip to the last page to see if it is a happy ending(yes, i am one of those people).

having faith and still to live without fear is hard. i want to trust Him because i know He has never let me down, but this is a big test of trust. i am scared to put us in deep and not be able to come out ok. 

i so need to meditate on Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

yes, i know there are tons of grants out there that we qualify for, a church scholarship, and a generous tax credit from the federal government, but i still have to shell out the money up front before it gets reimbursed. how do i shell out what i do not have? 

guess that is the beauty of miracles. they only happen when there is no other earthly way. so i will work on patience once again and wait for a miracle.

HEAVENLY FATHER THANK YOU FOR YOUR SIGNPOSTS AND ALLOWING ME TO SEE THEM. THANK YOU FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO GIVE THESE PRECIOUS CHILDREN A FOREVER FAMILY. I AM SORRY FOR MY WEAKNESS AND FEAR. PLEASE HELP ME TO BE STILL WHILE YOU WORK OUT THE LOGISTICS AND FINANCES. BE WITH MY SWEET GIRLS, LET THEM SENSE YOUR PRESENCE, PROTECT THEM UNTIL WE CAN BRING THEM HOME. PLEASE LORD, MOVE OUR MOUNTAINS...MAKE THEM TREMBLE AND FALL. YOU CAN DO ALL THINGS. IN JESUS'S NAME I PRAY. AMEN.

It is Official-I'm Crazy

sooooooo, many people have likened the adoption/fostering processes to being pregnant.

yup, some things have definitely made me nauseous, i have been having nightmares regularly when i normally don't dream(or at least remember my dreams), i have suffered from ambivalence-fluctuating from terror to peace and i want this-i don't want this, constantly figuring out logistics, obsessing about what my child will be like/become, imagining our new family in every activity we do....you name it.

it is everything like pregnancy, but this child is growing outside my body-oh and is also coming home as a ten year old.

today i had my virtual ultrasound. there's two in there!

what do i mean?

the adoption agent called to congratulate us on a successful approval of our home study. she also wants me to get the I-800 A sent overnight to the department of homeland security/uscis tomorrow. she also reminded me to change page 7 of it to accepting two children....

WHAT? TWO? SERIOUSLY?

how could this happen you ask?

well, it went like this.

the home study social worker asked during our interview if we would be willing to take two children if offered to us. we said an emphatic "YES!" so, she wrote the home study to reflect the option of two children. i thought that when we got to china, the officials might just say, "here take this one too."

we marveled at the idea of being blessed with two. we warned the children we might come home with two. we didn't actually think it would happen.

the adoption agent went on to explain that until she had read the home study, she didn't know we had wanted two.

weeeellllllll, we didn't want two, we were open to the idea of two. i said "yes, we did say we would be open to a second."

she then said, "oh good! i have the perfect child picked out for you. send in the I-800 A and then we'll talk."

again, the nausea.

LORD, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? DO YOU MEAN TO MAKE US A FAMILY OF SIX?

my mind went to all those ugly little thoughts. excuses of why we couldn't take two.

we're not ready  we don't even have the first one yet  how can we afford this  what about fitting everyone in the car  how will i homeschool four children-two of them don't even speak english  how will our families feel  i like my easy life-it will be way harder  where will everyone sleep  what will it do to our marriage  how can i give enough attention to our daughters when i am trying to help two new children adjust....on and on and on went my mind.

help! MOM!

what my wise mother said(paraphrased), "you have walked this entire journey through faith, why stop now?"

she's right. she always is.

ok, our buick seats six, God will provide-He always has, we have a bedroom we don't currently use, we already knew we would adopt #4 someday-now we save a bunch of money and only have to adjust to a changing family dynamic once, our new daughter will have a chinese sibling to learn english with, the more the merrier, if one was a blessing-two is double the blessing.

even if we don't actually adopt two, we are open to life and God's will in our lives.

my friend asked how my husband felt about two coming home, i told her i don't know- he is still at work. she laughed at me. good thing S is easy going and adventurous.

so i guess i still haven't learned to be careful about what i ask God for. i often lamented over not having a large family. God can fix that! (super hero music plays)watch!

FATHER IN HEAVEN, YOU KNOW WHAT MY FAMILY WILL LOOK LIKE. YOU KNOW YOUR WILL FOR MY LIFE. PLEASE HELP ME TO BE AVAILABLE TO BE YOUR HEART, HANDS, AND MOUTH. I AM SORRY FOR MY FEAR. I TRUST IN YOUR PROVISION.

I LOVE YOU JEHOVAH JIREH

ps...please buy coffee, heeheehee. we will be needing a bit more fundage  www.justlovecoffee.com/thehallorans